I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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