3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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