woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
