I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
