Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
