a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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