Where is the hickey?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
