On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
