i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
