I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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