I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
