is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
