I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
