My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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