I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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