i permit you to call me
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
