when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
