i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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