and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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