I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
