At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
