Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
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