that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
