i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i came on her dog
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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