dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
