We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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