Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
