So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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