I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
