My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
