God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
