Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
