Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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