i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
