You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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