I wannas sexs uuuuu
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
