All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
