The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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