put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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