I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
