i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
