dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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