Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
