Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
