last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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