I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
