remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
