dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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