i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
