Porn is love you can see.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
